Come here boy….

A few days ago, I had a dream that I was talking to my grandson and passing down words of wisdom. So here are a few of the things that I said in my dream as well as other things I thought off. Factoring in my age and my terrible love life, I’m guessing this will be at least 40 years down the road.

1. Your father is stupid and lazy. He gets it from his mother’s side.
2. Me: Let me tell you of the girl of my life, (name). Boy: But isn’t grandma’s name (name). Me: Who said I was talking about her?
3. I lived a good and exciting life. Then I had your dad. It went downhill from there.
4. So, want to know the story of your real mother?
5. There used to be a drink called Coke that tasted like heaven until the world realized it was the cause of obesity and boycotted it into bankruptcy.
6. When I was growing up, it was ok to pick on smaller kids. Now it’s a crime. The world is fucked up.
7. There was a time when it didn’t snow in Kuching.
8. A long time ago, Sarawak wasn’t it’s own country. We were part of a now defunct Malaysia.
9. Liverpool used to have it’s own football team until they consistently sucked and decided to become a professional Frisbee team.
10. Wayne Rooney used to be a professional football player until he got elected as PM.
11. People used to be born male or female until it became possible to choose in 2030.
12. This tattoo on my arm is called the miracle cross. It used to be a cross but miraculously turned into a stick.
13. So what’s it like being bastard child?
14. Before it became a cult, Metallica used to be a rock band. Rock was a type of music genre. Music was something people used to listen too before it was deemed Satanic and a threat to global peace.
15. Before becoming the President of the US, Dakota Fanning used to be an actress.
16. I don’t care if you’re 6 feet 5 inches. You’re genetically modified… Want to hear about your real mom?