First Love

Everyone says that first love will always be remembered. Your first kiss, your first embrace, your first attempt at holding someone else’s hand and your first words of expressing feelings and of course your first heart break. I could never understand this. What was so special? There’s always a first for everything so why should this be any different. But I know now.

My first love was something like a fairy tale. Let’s face it, for those who know me, I wasn’t really popular in high school. Girls kept their hands off me and boys couldn’t wait to get their fists on me. So to have managed on getting this particular girl who seemed so much the opposite of me: her infectious charisma, her inviting smile, her flawless etiquette (did I mention she’s drop dead gorgeous?) has to rank together with the Loch Ness monster and Bigfoot as the worlds greatest mystery.

When we broke up, I, at the age of 15 turned to the only emotion that I knew was real and true: hatred. I was a monster. Even her innocent younger brother, who I really would like to apologize to, became a victim of this uncontrollable rage. It lasted a while. It helped to ease the pain of missing someone. I thought that this chapter was over but was I ever wrong.

Age 17, my first ever prom coming up, I caught word that she was in town. I had to ask her. Not having a license, I asked Iskandar if we could drop by her place. We did, she was there, I asked her to be my date but she gave me a hanging answer and I never heard from her again.

Age 18, I had just come back from a 3 month vacation from Canada and eventually enrolled in Inti Sarawak. Surprise, surprise, I see her. But alas, she had someone else. Let’s just say, it hurt seeing her so I did what I am naturally good at, I avoid.

Age 19-22, during this period, I did go through multiple relationships, not simultaneously of course. But every time each one ends, thoughts go back to her. Did she know? Of course not. Why? Because I avoid.

Age 23, I hear a rumor she’s engaged. I get upset to the point that my own current girlfriend gets pissed with me. In her natural self, she throws a knife at me. I get hit by the hilt so nothing major.

Age 25, had just got out of a grueling 3 year relationship that had gone sour by mid 2^nd year. By some stroke of luck, we begin communicating. It takes this long to finally tell her what has been on my mind for the brief few years. The fact of the matter is that I had never gotten over her. She was always on my mind, in my heart. But it was hidden away because I was scared of getting hurt again. Anybody tearing yet? I’m not done yet!

It’s taken 10 years of near hits and misses but we’re finally here. Martha, this is a story of us. I can’t tell your side of the story but from where I’m standing, our story looks romantic.

Although we are far apart,
You are with me in my heart,
You taught me love, you showed me how,
I never realized it before but I do now,
You’re someone special to me, my one and only.

First love is the sweetest,
First cut is the deepest,
I remember the past of what was
But I’m excited by the future of what will be,
To be with you and you only.

We spent only 2 days together after such a long time. And it does pain me to go on with each passing day without you next to me but with everyday that goes, I tell myself that it merely is another day less of waiting for when we will be reunited again. I never do this on my blog especially with my sister reading this. My family isn’t the mushy kind but I’m not ashamed for everyone to know that I love you, Martha. Always have.

You cover my weaknesses, you enforce my strengths. For who you are, you are for me.