Goal! 3: Taking on the world

Goal! 3

I waited in anticipation for this movie. I finally got my hands on a DVD copy last week and watched it just last night. Sad to say, I’m left totally disappointed by a stupidly written movie. To be honest, it was idiotic and undeserving of a production. I think all who were involved in the making of this movie should voluntarily remove themselves from the business of making movies because it is a business they should not be involved in to begin with.

[Warning: There could be spoilers contained within this review.]

When Goal! first came out, it was fantastic. I remember the scene where Santiago Munez jogged along the shores of Newcastle to an Oasis song. Its fantastic scenes drew the best out of the shit-hole that is Newcastle. The action scenes were realistic and well timed and didn’t need the movie magic of a green or blue screen to fill in the images. It had a good solid story of a young man living his dreams and it set the stage and tone to what could have been a memorable trilogy. It left me wanting more.

Goal 2 was horrendous. Hoping to show the world of the pitfalls that surround professional footballers, it showed a little too much enthusiasm for my liking. The writers seemed to have forgotten that there are many football stars that live the good-life without all the parties, sex and booze. Instead, they went all out to ensure David Beckham had a speaking role. If a person is a football fan because of David Beckham then I say that person doesn’t know anything about football. The movie seemed to take forever to finish but when it did, it still managed to provide the next film with an opportunity of a good story. At the end of the movie, Santiago stood up for Gavin Harris saying that he could still make the England World Cup team and Santi also looked to salvage his relationship with Roz who, by the way, is supposedly pregnant.

Enter Goal 3. Santiago plays cameo roles. There is no mention of his efforts to salvage his relationship with Roz besides the reference ‘I messed it up’ in the latter stages of the film. Gavin Harris is gone and replaced with 2 other idiotic characters that in real life would never have played professional football. The story has nothing to do with football and is crammed with highlights from the World Cup. Blue screens are extensively used which shows the poor foresight of the producers to not shoot some of the movie scenes during the actual World Cup and build around there.

To make the movie stink even further, 4 clowns are introduced as fans and they have a mini story within the movie, which is neither relevant nor amusing. The jokes written for them were bad but that was only bettered by the lousy acting of these 4 gentlemen who I believe were only picked for the movie because they look like any typical English bloke; ugly, immature and sexually deprieved.

This could have easily been passed off as a cheap chick-flick movie that squandered most of the production budget on high director wages and paying FIFA for the rights to use the World Cup clips.

What would I have done? Easy. Just as the producers recreated the Champions League to have Real Madrid win it against Arsenal, I would have recreated the World Cup with a fantasy story as well. Where ultimately Mexico would meet England in a match that would see Santiago vs Harris. This doesn’t have to be the final. A second round or quarterfinal game would suffice. England would eventually prevail but only to lose their next game. Leading up to the World Cup, I would have gone with a story of reconciliation between Santiago and Roz as well as Santiago with Glen Foy. But to add a bit of drama, I would have had Santiago get injured and having to face the battle of being fit in time for the World Cup. Doesn’t this sound like a movie you’d watch?

I am scarred so badly by this experience that I want to warn the world; DON’T BOTHER WITH GOAL 3! In fact, avoid ANY movie directed by Andy Morahan AND written by either Mike Jefferies or Piers Ashworth. These guys stink big time and I hope the stench from this movie sticks to them for a long, long time.

I hated this movie. Speaking of trilogies, I think Goal 3 is worse than Matrix 3, Terminator 3, Jaws 3, Rambo 3, Karate Kid 3, Home Alone 3 and Missing in action 3 all combined. I HATE this movie. I hate it so much that I want you to hate it too. That is how much I hate this movie. On a brighter note, there are some pretty hot ladies in this film and Santiago is fat. He reminds me Ronaldo. The Brazillian. Not the Portugese.